How Could They?

There are days that as a mom I struggle. I look around at other moms and envy their ability to have it all together.  Completed scrapbooks with correct dates listed for each memory, homemade bake sale treats tied with pretty little bows, star athlete children with straight A report cards, sparkling clean mini vans with fancy little organizers bearing wet wipes and tasty snacks, family game nights without a single child breaking down into tears at an unfair rule, joyful, patient baking sessions with children standing on chairs that actually result in edible cupcakes....the list could go on forever. Right now these things don't bother me at all.  Who cares if my scrapbooks sit unfinished, who cares if I throw store bought cookies in baggies the morning of the bake sale, who cares if my kid just plain doesn't give a darn about his science grade and swings the bat with gusto...only to miss one more time, who cares if my mini van looks like I live in it AND am a complete slob to boot, who cares if I HATE playing board games with children under 12 even if I carried them for nine long months lovingly in my womb, who cares if baking with my children always felt a little like sticking pins in my eyes (I did it anyway by the way).  Who cares about any of these things because two of my children did the unimaginable.

I never dreamed they would do something so hurtful.  It has left my belly filled with so much sadness that the baking seems like Heaven, and I'd gladly play three million board games. What did they do you ask?  What could be so terrible?  Saying the words out loud burns my throat and sends tears rolling down my cheeks every time, but I'll tell you anyway.  I'll tell you because you need to be warned.  Your children could do it to you, and you too will feel shocked, devastated and blindsided.  My two children.....they grew up!

How could they do this to me?  I drove them to college yesterday.  I helped them set up their dorms.  I took them to the book store.  I filled a shopping cart with all they could possibly need...and a lot they probably didn't.  I hugged them both as tight as I could.  I left my heart (times two) standing in front of a dorm building, waving goodbye with one hand while clutching last minute jugs of fabric softener in the other hand. Then I drove home, blinded by tears. I didn't know I could drive without a heart; hell, I didn't know I could survive without one. So, now I'm starting this blog because I think if I speak the things in my head aloud, people will think I've gone insane.  So, this is my blog...uncensored, raw, true emotion, anything that runs through my head as I grapple with the letting go of my two oldest children. Stay if you will, but don't judge...blogging is cheaper than therapy.  Besides, I'm working without a heart...I left it three hours north yesterday.