Since my children were infants, I've loved watching them sleep. I remember when they would dream as tiny infants; they would often whimper or smile. I always wondered what could crease their little brows in worry or bring such glee when they couldn't even smile voluntarily yet while awake. As they grew, I marveled at their perfection as they breathed quiet even breaths with those beautiful lashes splayed on their little pink cheeks. Some nights I stood guard, smoothing back fever dampened hair from hot little foreheads. Even when they were old enough to be annoyed or embarrassed had they known.... I did it; I still looked in on them...sometimes I even stole a kiss from their sweet sleeping foreheads or laid a hand on their chest just to make sure it still rose and fell. Every night I would quietly peek into their rooms to check on them one more time before I headed to bed myself. When they were old enough to stay out late, I didn't sleep well until I knew they were in their beds. Seeing my babies tucked safely and soundly into their own beds made it okay to surrender to sleep myself. This is why nighttime has become the hardest time for me.
I still kiss two of my babies good night, but two of my sweet babies tuck themselves in now. The first week they were off to college, I don't think I slept more than 3-4 hours at a time. It was so unnerving for me to not be able to see them quietly dreaming in their own beds. It has gotten easier with time, although I still find myself waking up more often in the middle of the night. There is one thing that I find especially helpful. Every single night, when they are finally in for the night...sometimes early in the morning...they each send me a good night text. It makes my heart happy to know that saying good night to me is important to them too...I feel loved and necessary and comforted. No, I can't tiptoe into their rooms anymore, but the last thing I see before I finally fall into my own sweet slumber is a good night and I love you from two of the people most precious to me. Knowing they are safe in their dorms lets me sleep easier, and my texts back to each of them...even at 3 am, are my way of stealing that sweet kiss from their foreheads and making sure the blanket is tucked just right. Texting them sweet dreams and I love you is my new bedtime routine...it assures that they are what I take to my own dreams each night. Oh how I long for the nights when I could gaze at those sweet dreaming faces by the dim light of the hallway light...nighttime is the hardest.
